Beyond Sanity
by OftheWind
Summary: First story in a loong while. Don't judge! Can be seen as friendship, can be seen as pairing. Oneshot unless I get requests to make more. Gon has as much complex character development as Killua and Kurapika. His is just subtle.


Beyond Sanity

He was sure of what he said. He didn't often take back the things that he absolutely meant with all of his heart.

They would get Kite back.

They had to.

Kite was cool, smart, and someone he looked up to without _really_ knowing who he was. It made spending time and getting to know him special in NGL.

He was a portal that would get him to his father and yet…he was like a father figure himself. The man probably wouldn't have admitted it, but the boy certainly felt that way.

It was like a hole in his life was finally being filled…

Until…

_He screamed._

_Something on the inside of his mind suddenly…unexplainably…unmistakngly…snapped._

_That thing…it…hurt…Kaito…_

_It had to pay…_

_The world went black and when he came to, he was no longer in NGL._

He was sure yet at the same time, he felt uneasiness within himself.

_No…you can't think anything other than positive thoughts. I will try my hardest and we will get back into NGL and save Kite!_

There was no room for what ifs, no ands, no buts. That was how it had to be.

Although, Gon was torn. On the outside, he made a lot of noise about doing what it took to save Kite, however…

_If…only I wasn't there…if I wasn't in the way, he wouldn't have lost his arm. I have to apologize for that. I have to tell him, I'm sorry that I'm so useless…_

_You have to live like that now because of me. _

The boy's thoughts ate away at him, slowly, each and every day.

_Hahahahahahahaha! Kite is probably investigating the ants. That's how he is after all! He wouldn't give up even after being injured._

_But he was injured critically._

_It doesn't matter. I believe in him. Kite wouldn't lose!_

He was alone, sitting in the darkness of the spare room Palm had.

Sitting on the bed, he kept staring ahead at the wall painted red. Red like blood.

Slowly, the paint began to peel and blood began to spill.

_Nope hahahaha not again! It's not happening. It's not real!_

_I…I can't tell anyone that this is happening. Everyone needs me to be strong._

_So why do I want to cry?_

_Why does my chest hurt?_

_Why does my head hurt so much?_

The wall…it kept…kept bleeding…slowly…the red paint peeling outwards to reveal gashes.

_No no no no…keep it together…_

He hugged himself.

_Keep it together._

He rocked back and forwards…slowly…slowly…

_Stop doing that! Stop it stop it stop it!_

_I can do it. I can! Yes…and everything will be happy again!_

_I…I just want to be happy again…_

_But how can I be happy when it's my fault?_

_There was a lot of blood…_

_So much blood…_

_I don't mind being hurt…I've never minded that before…_

_Yes…that's it…_

_I don't mind dieing…_

The contract was being written in his mind.

_I would die if it meant that I can atone for my uselessness._

_That thing…it hurt Kite…_

_That thing is really strong…_

_That's what I need…strength…beyond what I have right now…right now is not enough…_

_I'm getting closer to keeping Ten for hours, but it's…not…enough…_

_Killua is here with me but it's…not…enough…_

Back and forth, back and forth, the boy rocked himself slowly…slowly…

_Now another wall is bleeding…_

_Why are the walls bleeding…?_

_Kaito…_

_I'll kill her for taking your arm._

_Please let me have the satisfaction..._

_I can do that._

_For you! Because I want you to be safe…and sound…_

_I want to stay with you._

_Learn more from you._

_Eat at the campfire with you._

_Have your praise._

_Yes, that's what a dad would do._

_I want to meet my own dad but I want you to stay in the picture too._

His eyes began to tear…

_Kaito…where are you now?_

_Are you hurting?_

_Do you miss me?_

_Are you getting the job done over there?_

_Will you come to us? No…it's hard to leave there._

_Besides…_

_We'll come to you._

_Help you._

_Aid you._

"Hehehehe…"

_And I'll get my chance._

_I'll kill it._

_I'll wipe it out. This is all that thing's fault._

_But my own too._

_No! IT HURT HIM! _

_It must pay the ultimate price._

_I'm willing to do whatever it takes…_

"Gon, I'm back!"

He was sitting at the edge of the bed, not a trace of a tear to be seen, smiling warmly at his best friend as if nothing happened, "Welcome back!"

_You have a father!_

_You never lost someone because you don't have anyone to lose. Your family is really strong._

_You don't know how I feel!_

_I can suffer in silence!_

_It's my right. It's all I can do._

_While we train…_

_While we work to get back into NGL…_

_You're just here to help me get there, but I want to take care of everything myself._

_I can do it alone._

While the enhancer tried to hide everything on the inside, he couldn't hide everything.

_Gon? Is that you?_

_Are you whimpering?_

_Are you crying?_

He turned over, seeing that his friend was still asleep, despite the sound he'd heard. He raised a hand, slowly reaching for the sleeping boy.

_Are you having another nightmare?_

_You must be._

_That's been happening a lot._

_I can go days without sleep. You need your rest._

_But your face…it looks so…_

_It's not peaceful at all._

_I…I can't…no…I wouldn't even dare to do this during the day, where I would be facing you. But you're a heavy sleeper. You know that? Once you're out, you're out like a rock. That's on top of our training with Bisky._

_So I wait until you've reached REM sleep._

_Then I can do all that I can to help you._

He heaved a sigh, sliding closer to his best friend, slowly, carefully, wrapping his arms around him, drawing him close into an embrace, trying not to wake him.

_This is all I can do. I'm not sure what else I can do._

_I'll do everything I can._

_We'll beat Knuckle and Shoot._

_We have to._

_Otherwise, I don't want to think about it._

_You brought me here, on this roller coaster ride that's adventures with you. I have nowhere else to go._

_I have no one else._

_You're always going ahead. Like a train full speed ahead._

_Just don't leave me behind okay?_

_I don't know if my mind would be able to handle that._

He tried not to shake as tears brimmed.

_I won't abandon you. I promise._

_I promise I…I wouldn't do that to you. I promised my father I'd never betray my friends._

A small whine came from the sleeping enhancer.

The transmuter held him tighter.

_I don't know what you're dreaming but sshhhh…it's okay…_

_Everything is going to be alright._

_Just hang in there. I'm your friend and I'm here for you._

_You don't know do you?_

_I'll die for you._

_You don't know that..._

_I'm so glad I got to know you. If I would have never met you, I wouldn't have known I could have this feeling in my heart…_

_When you screamed, I was so sad but I was also afraid._

_You'd jump in and attack the chimera ant, and you'd have died._

_And I would have died with you. My mind was screaming to run away but would I have been able to run fast enough?_

_I'm so sorry…right then…right there…the first thing I thought of…was running…_

_I'm so sorry…_

_Please forgive me Gon._

_I don't want to die like that dammit! I want to die on my own terms._

_But my terms require that's it's for you only. By your side if need be. I'd gladly give up my life for yours._

_You mean the world to me..._

_Why can't you see that?_

_I can't say that to your face, I'm a bit of a coward when it comes to admitting these types of things to people. It's not like I ever had to before..._

_Stop whimpering from your nightmare, you're making me cry…_

_No…you can't help it…it was terrible what happened. It's only natural you'd have nightmares._

_I'm worried for you but at the same time…my own head isn't clear…_

_It's like I'm losing it._

_I can keep it together just for you. Stay with me and stay at my pace, don't go out ahead of me okay?_

His voice was at a whisper, "I want to be happy again…with you…like we used to be…"

He closed his eyes, pressing his forehead against the sleeping enhancer's.

_Just…let me hold you like this for a little longer okay? I'll let go in a minute and leave you alone._

_But just for a minute...okay two minutes...no...five minutes..._

_Let me comfort you._

_I know I need comforting myself…and I'm hiding it from you…but I'll set aside myself for you._

_Just for tonight._

* * *

~ "Enhancers are determined and simple. Most of them never lie, hide nothing, and are very straightforward in their actions or in their thinking. Their words and actions are often dominated by their feelings. They are generally very selfish and focused on their goals." ~ Hisoka's Theory

* * *

A/N: I'm alive! o.o And have been on the feels train this summer since I decided to watch all of Hiatus X Hiatus, also known as Vacation X Vacation. But I can't talk, because I'm just like Togashi with stuff I've published.

Inspired by an amv I found while browsing youtube the other day: ZYJimSKanHE

GOSHDARNFEELSTRAINRIGHTNOW!

For a long time while watching from beginning to current, I tried really hard to keep them as friends in my mind. When I saw the 1999 version back in you know, 1999, I thought they'd be just friends.

But damn it all I ship them so hard! They became my HxH OTP! But I noticed a lot of lovey dovey-ness when browsing products of the fanbase, and I thought I'd tackle the dark and complicated issues that BOTH Gon and Killua have. The chimera ant arc had as much character development for Gon as Killua, it was just done subtly. But as I watched the story unfold, I realized that Gon was actually losing his mind. He's only a child, yet NGL changed his whole psyche. It made for a very interesting turn of events.

I can make more of this, only if people want it. Consider this a drabble. With enough praise, I can make more. However, I am working on a much bigger HxH story collab, so yeah.

I'm posting this at work so if there are any errors, I'll come back and fix them later today.


End file.
